Blackwolf @ the Oscars, Part One
Well, Mortals, it took me a while, but here in my Diary of Magecraft, I can tell you goodly gentles my own observations of the 77th Annual Academy Awards! Those of you seeking the complete texts of all the acceptance speeches are herewith instructed to visit Oscar.com; I trust you will find that there is much to cheer, as well as jeer, once you have finished reading me exclusive, inside chronicle.
First of all, the 30-minute arrivals show, produced by KABC Los Angeles for the ABC-Owned & Operated Stations, was a horrifying flop, as Chicago Tribune legend Roger Ebert took far too much time with his interviews, which were far too short for my tastes; ABC7/L.A.'s Eyewitness News team needs a whole mess of improvement if they're going to pay more proper attention to the movies.
The Academy-sanctioned arrivals show, billed as "Oscar Countdown 2005," re-teamed telecast producer Gil Cates with his partner, Dennis E. Doty; not even this one-two punch could rescue this show, anchored by the overly bubbly quartet of Billy Bush, Shaun Robinson, Chris Connelly and Jann Carl. As far as the factoids were concerned, things went far too fast for even your Dragonmaster to pay proper attention to them. A highlight of the Countdown telecast, however, involved the selection of three "favorite all-time classic acceptance speeches" as selected by visitors to Oscar.com; the overall winner was Tom Hanks' emotional Best Actor commentary, for his work in Philadelphia. The full text of that speech, with rude remarks on the 1994 telecast overall, are featured in the book Inside Oscar 2, which features scathing highlights on every Oscar show between 1993 and 2000.
Among the worst ideas behind the several commercials that premiered on the Academy Awards was a Nabisco spot introducing a promotion involving a twit calling himself "The Snack Fairy." The Snack Fairy? Oh, really! I've seen less imaginative food-related spots on TV in recent years; at least, they had the good sense to be FUNNY! But I suppose that, like the rest of us, we were waiting with baited breath to see whether or not Gil Cates' great experiment --- that of standing by host Chris Rock, and shortening certain segments in order to appease the New York TV critics watching the live feed as aired by WABC-TV hither in ye Byg Appyl!
The evening's proceedings began with the comforting voicely presence of Randy Thomas, Gil's beloved go-to wench, the first female announcer at the Oscars; Milady Randy introduced an extended prelude, narrated by Dustin Hoffman, and concluding (terrifically, I must say) with a CGI meeting of two generations of movie icons: Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp walking off alongside America's favorite ogre, Shrek! How delectable. At that point, 'twas time for Chris Rock to make his move. This he did with a vengeance.
He began his 9-minute rant by suggesting that the studios' problem was that they make a lot of their films far too quickly for his tastes: "Clint Eastwood's a star. Tobey Maguire is just a boy in tights!" "If you want to make a movie with a big star, you need to WAIT!" "If you go to the Grammys, there's singing. If you go to the Tonys, there's singing and dancing. If you go to the Source Awards, there's singing, dancing, and shooting. But there's no acting at the Oscars at all.... I mean, the only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost!" "If you hire Russell Crowe, he'll not only act like it was three weeks ago, he'll behave like it was three weeks ago --- why, he'll even research everything that happened three weeks ago, and then you'll say, 'Man, that guy looked like he was playing something three weeks ago!'"
Rock's first quip, aimed apparently at President Bush, was probably the night's sole controversy: in that he compared the war in Iraq against working at, say, the Gap. If you made 70 trillion dollars on a war, Rock commented, and you had a beef against Banana Republic, because you learned that Banana Republic had tank tops, what if it turned out that there were no tank tops in the Banana Republic? Lastly, Rock told his listeners that he would gladly trade ye Passion of the Christ for Soul Plane any day in the week!
First of all, the 30-minute arrivals show, produced by KABC Los Angeles for the ABC-Owned & Operated Stations, was a horrifying flop, as Chicago Tribune legend Roger Ebert took far too much time with his interviews, which were far too short for my tastes; ABC7/L.A.'s Eyewitness News team needs a whole mess of improvement if they're going to pay more proper attention to the movies.
The Academy-sanctioned arrivals show, billed as "Oscar Countdown 2005," re-teamed telecast producer Gil Cates with his partner, Dennis E. Doty; not even this one-two punch could rescue this show, anchored by the overly bubbly quartet of Billy Bush, Shaun Robinson, Chris Connelly and Jann Carl. As far as the factoids were concerned, things went far too fast for even your Dragonmaster to pay proper attention to them. A highlight of the Countdown telecast, however, involved the selection of three "favorite all-time classic acceptance speeches" as selected by visitors to Oscar.com; the overall winner was Tom Hanks' emotional Best Actor commentary, for his work in Philadelphia. The full text of that speech, with rude remarks on the 1994 telecast overall, are featured in the book Inside Oscar 2, which features scathing highlights on every Oscar show between 1993 and 2000.
Among the worst ideas behind the several commercials that premiered on the Academy Awards was a Nabisco spot introducing a promotion involving a twit calling himself "The Snack Fairy." The Snack Fairy? Oh, really! I've seen less imaginative food-related spots on TV in recent years; at least, they had the good sense to be FUNNY! But I suppose that, like the rest of us, we were waiting with baited breath to see whether or not Gil Cates' great experiment --- that of standing by host Chris Rock, and shortening certain segments in order to appease the New York TV critics watching the live feed as aired by WABC-TV hither in ye Byg Appyl!
The evening's proceedings began with the comforting voicely presence of Randy Thomas, Gil's beloved go-to wench, the first female announcer at the Oscars; Milady Randy introduced an extended prelude, narrated by Dustin Hoffman, and concluding (terrifically, I must say) with a CGI meeting of two generations of movie icons: Charlie Chaplin's Little Tramp walking off alongside America's favorite ogre, Shrek! How delectable. At that point, 'twas time for Chris Rock to make his move. This he did with a vengeance.
He began his 9-minute rant by suggesting that the studios' problem was that they make a lot of their films far too quickly for his tastes: "Clint Eastwood's a star. Tobey Maguire is just a boy in tights!" "If you want to make a movie with a big star, you need to WAIT!" "If you go to the Grammys, there's singing. If you go to the Tonys, there's singing and dancing. If you go to the Source Awards, there's singing, dancing, and shooting. But there's no acting at the Oscars at all.... I mean, the only acting you ever see at the Oscars is when people act like they're not mad they lost!" "If you hire Russell Crowe, he'll not only act like it was three weeks ago, he'll behave like it was three weeks ago --- why, he'll even research everything that happened three weeks ago, and then you'll say, 'Man, that guy looked like he was playing something three weeks ago!'"
Rock's first quip, aimed apparently at President Bush, was probably the night's sole controversy: in that he compared the war in Iraq against working at, say, the Gap. If you made 70 trillion dollars on a war, Rock commented, and you had a beef against Banana Republic, because you learned that Banana Republic had tank tops, what if it turned out that there were no tank tops in the Banana Republic? Lastly, Rock told his listeners that he would gladly trade ye Passion of the Christ for Soul Plane any day in the week!
posted by Master Blackwolf | 10:10 AM
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