Why Narnia Has the Coolest Dwarves

If you're planning to check out Disney/Walden's The Chronicles of Narnia: Prince Caspian when it opens this Friday, your Dragonmaster wants you to remember this: In Narnia, Dwarves are cool.

Those of you who saw The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe may remember how much you marveled at the first time you saw Kiran Shah as Ginnarbrik, the White Witch's sleighdriver and sidekick. So what if Ginnarbrik was with the Bad Guys? One thing was for sure, this Dwarf had a beard that was not only long, but was capable of kicking your ass if need be! That's how three years ago the first Narnia movie wound up with the Oscar for Best Makeup.

Well now, this time, it's Peter Dinklage's turn, and here, the Dwarf to check out is named Trumpkin. He joins Team Pevensie on their Quest to aid Prince Caspian in his bid to keep Narnia in the nice business. And what's more, they've given action-figure status to Trumpkin, too, so I can suspect that the youngsters will want to take Trumpkin home with them come Christmas time. But of course you want me to answer the question: "Why does Narnia have the coolest Dwarves?" Put simply, dear children, there are certain kingdoms where being a Dwarf --- Little Person, for the benefit of our more sensitive browsers in our surfing audience --- just has that certain coolness about it. Tolkien's Middle-earth had it; so too does Narnia. Coolness, like so much else in this mysterious thing called popular culture, is in the eye of the beholder; hence, the continuing power of YouTube.

I know whereof I speak, having made seven YouTube posts to date; I wish someone would have the decency to post footage yours truly there again. But what the hell, fame tends to be fleeting. And if I sound a bit lackadasical about it all, there's only one reason:

I'm Blackwolf the Dragonmaster, dammit! And I don't hang out too much at parties unless I'm asked; nor do I boogie unless someone asks me to! This being New York, I can ramble on pretty needlessly when I bloomin' well want to, eh what?

Eccentricities of a Dragonmaster

Happy Mother's Day, me dear Mortal friends!

I'll come straight to the point: Nothing irks me more than people who take eccentrics for granted; New York should have figured that out in 1974, when beloved and glorious Moondog (nee Louis Thomas Hardin) departed ye Byg Appyl for the streets and chambers of Recklinghausen, Germany, where he spent his last 30 years until his death in 1999. Moondog had seen the writing on the wall, as Terry Gilliam's Baron Munchhausen had aeons before: that rapidly, the world was becoming no place for Dreamers like us --- no place for folks who possessed certain peculiarities. Pity that we never figured it all out until the first few years of this current Millennium, when we rediscovered Allan Carr's Can't Stop the Music, wherein we hear the following:

SAMANTHA SIMPSON (VALERIE PERRINE): Y'know something? I don't judge people, I accept them. There isn't a person who breathes who doesn't possess certain peculiarities. As long as he or she isn't hurting anybody, it's all right with me.
RON WHITE (BRUCE JENNER): Yeah, but where do you draw the line?
SAMANTHA: With uptight squares like you!

More and more, post-9/11 and afterwards, it has continued to become apparent to your humble Dragonmaster that New York City has forgotten to laugh at itself --- and I, for one, am sick and tired of having to defend the power of eccentricism on my own, alone. And so, I have chosen eight colleagues who, have, in my estimation, have challenged the impertinent dum-dums who refuse to let a smile be their umbrella, as it were. These eight, along with myself, are heirs to Moondog's legacy because we have something to say --- something that will, I hope, cause most of you to appreciate the ability to imagine --- or, at the very least, permit yourselves to be challenged to dream properly. These, then, are my Champions of the Imagination:

THOR THE BARBARIAN --- even if, these days, he, Muninn his Queen, and young Brandon (Tigerboy) do their particular plundering and pillaging in beautiful downtown Hawley, Pennsylvania, the Burly One is especially dear to me because of the days we did stuff for Thor's old public-access show; I miss those old glory days, by Merlin's beard!
MASTER THOTH --- my beloved old loony in the loincloth, he of those soloperatic prayformances which take us to the Realm of the Lunar-in, where those who are fluent in the language of the Festad rule the Planet wisely. I shall never forget that unexpected Oscar Night when he and Sarah Kernochan came up on that stage to accept that year's Oscar for Best Documentary Short; It's as much a landmark of all my adventures thus far as has been the damn Star Wars Nerds clip.
PATRICK BARNES, THE ODDIST --- better known to most wabbit lovers as the Easter Bunny's fluffy-tailed protector, the Incredible Bunnyman, fighting a never-ending battle for Truth, Justice and the Bunny Trail Way!
MERDWIN THE MEDIOCRE --- Ever and always the face of our Medieval Festival @ Fort Tryon Park, my Brother Mage has concocted spell after spell from his Schenectady headquarters, which he shares with the Payne Family. And his spiritual capabilities are legendary as well, thanks to Scott's dear parents, Chuck and Debbie!
RYLEH THE WANDERER --- Despite the fact that he has joined the family of Mortals known as rednecks, George Laking (his Mundane disguise) has long kept me abreast, via e-mail, of his latest and strangest adventures.
LORD CLISTO SEVERSWORD --- As I type this, Jake Brunette is battling cancer. Even so, he takes things one day at a time, as do I. That said, I would ask for your prayers for this longtime friend who talked much moral sense into me Wizardly person, and accordingly prevented me from becoming too loose a cannon in the continuing journeys of my adventures online!
THE NAKED COWBOY --- Oh, how I wish I could tell you all how much I (and Thor as well) have shared a fondness for Robert John Burck! Have I not reminded ye again and again that there is much more to his story than simply a man in a Stetson hat and Jockey shorts. I strongly urge you to read his manifesto in full; you will, I hope, discover the story of a man determined to shake his booty ..... and make others happy in so doing!
RAY IRVING, from Chorley, Lancashire, England --- this retired professional schoolteacher has taken his version of the Tudor Dynasty's Byg Kaehunae --- that would be His Majesty, King Henry VIII of Britain --- and forged a legend that has made him rather silly, and ticklish ....... and, more recently, rather bardly. I've read several of Raymond's poems about his adventures both in and out of the royal robes; I am sure that these quattrains will be quite successful in giving you a giggle as well.

Well, there they are --- Master Blackwolf's Champions of the Imagination! As Moondog battled to do in days of yore, we struggle to bring magic, happiness and wisdom back to a world sadly in need of all of the above! Of course, I, too, am one of those Champions, meaning that, yes, this is indeed another shameless plug for me fabulous Dark Chambers website; though I expect I'll get much more publicity for the damn site next Sunday when I make me debut appearance at AIDS Walk New York. Please be kind, though, like so many other of my adventures, I'm not gonna know what I'll be getting myself into; so those of you who've seen me before, please be decent enough to say hello if you wish to greet me in person.

Master Blackwolf

A Rare and Quiet Thursday Morning

On most Thursday mornings, a Dragonmaster tends to reflect on the strange, bizarre silliness which is Da Big Pitcha. As New York's Unofficial Wizard, a key aspect of my duties has to do with the fact that sometimes I must explore mine own inner Mage. Consider, for example, this profound commentary:

"I think that the problem with a lot of these, er, other Evil Geniuses has to do with the fact that they lack patience. They wanna take over the world, and yet they want it Friday. It's just not that simple. It's very important, I think, that you should start out slow --- which is to say, take over your neighbor, or your wife, over maybe even your mother-in-law. I mean, I've been around some of these other villains. They wanna rule the world, and yet they can't even control their own kids."
---The Brainwave, evil mastermind, on the aftermath of ruling the world, from the Superman 50th Anniversary Special

Clearly what the Brainwave is suggesting is that there are certain flaws that one potentially must suffer once the whole euphoria of world domination wears off. Sure, you're master of absolutely everything now --- but then, just as you're feeling your powerful oats, so to speak, that's when you start in with the inevitable "What next?" In other words, there's a certain side to world domination that the Saturday morning cartoons never truly bothered to explore. That you're hearing this from a charter member of the Good Guys is strange enough, I grant you; still, it has long been your Dragonmaster's policy to explore both sides of the curtain. The rest of the argument, as always, I leave in your capable hands.

Of course, as always, America, I wanna know what you think. Gimme an e-mail at either electric_pirates@hotmail.com or blackbeardian@yahoo.com.

As ever,

Master Blackwolf

Major Ouchies!

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch and ouch!

Bottom line, Mortals, I'm doing AIDS Walk New York on May 18th. Expect your Dragonmaster's toesies to be practically screaming to stop this! Well, I can't do that, because Their Most Sovereign and Imperial Majesties, Emperor Rob Hunter de Woofs and Empress Charlene Chivoe, Royals of the Imperial Court of New York, along with members of their Imperial Entourage, are expected to be in on it, too, and this presents me with the chance --- even if I don't think that it'll happen --- to thank Their Imperial Majesties for the kindness they showed me when we met at the Easter Parade a while ago.

Still, my feet will be killing me afterwards; of that I have no doubt. So:

Ouch, ouch, ouch and more ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch and even more ouch! Ouch, ouch, ouch and ouch some more! Ouch, ouch, ouchety, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch --- and, not to put too fine a point upon it, ouch!

(Oh yeah, did I mention ouch?)

Master Blackwolf

Dispatch from Dun Morogh and Ironforge!

Welcome to Monday, World of WarCraft fans! King Magni Bronzebeard of Dun Morogh and Ironforge here!

Yep, it's another totally grumpy Monday morning for you Humans, while, back at the Blizzard base in beautiful, downtown Irvine, California, things are just as excellent as ever, even as we prepare to pack our bags, weapons, etc. for Paris --- where tickets for our first-ever Worldwide Invitational Tournament have basically fluttered out the window! (That would be that they're totally sold out, dudes and dudettes!)

Anyway, on June 28th and 29th, the whole Blizzard gang will take over Hall Five at the Porte de Versailles Exposition Center in Paree, where, in addition to workshops, seminars, discussion panels, artist and developer meet-n'-greets, costume, dance, machinima and other player contests, live musical performances, and other major-league stuff, everybody with a ticket's gonna get their very own goody bag, full of loads and loads of Blizzard stuff! (I'm already workin' on getting my own goody bag --- properly festooned with the Bronzebeard coat of arms, if you please!)

Check back with us at the higher-ups' homepage, cuz they're the ones with all the 411! Meanwhile, I gotta get the last bricks of the Throne Room packed up --- because this is ONE Dwarven King what doesn't wanna miss out on all the action!

Catch ya later, Dwarf-lovin' dudes and dudettes!

Love,

Bronzie

Dragonmaster Goes Hollywood!

Actually, Mortals, I've gone Hollywood almost from the moment I encountered ol' Poopstar --- a/k/a Triumph, the Insult Comic Dog! And see you what hath happen'd to this foolish ol' beetlehead since then: Triumph's Come Poop w/Me album got nominated for the Best Comedy Album Grammy; each year here in the ol' Diary, I bring you my impressions of Oscar Night, in Blackwolf @ the Oscars; and, of course, I try to see what's going on in the world of Adam Sandler and Happy Madison Productions! (Besides, Brooks Arthur is a friend, and will only chat with me when he has the time to do so. You have to know how to be fast-paced in Hollywood.)

But I owe my lessons in the art and science of Hollywood savvy to no less than His Swedish Majesty, King Johannes III Gustavus Vasa --- a/k/a Ole Olausson, Founding Guildmaster of the Guild of St. Olaf's of Whittier, California (where, oddly enough, much of Cannon Films' live-action Masters of the Universe movie was shot). He it was who, in a sense, clued your humble Dragonmaster in as to whom to know, whom to do lunch with, and how to avoid unexpected appearances on Entertainment Tonight and/or Access Hollywood. Thus far, the formula hath work'd spectacularly!

But this week, as the Seventh Annual Tribeca Film Festival will surely demonstrate, I shall clearly have do more than simply be on my toesies if I'm to have any chance of avoiding the pesky party animals, etc. You already know by now how I feel re Ryan Seacrest; I need not sound like ye obligatory broken record. Nonetheless, I gotta party down as desperately as the next dude, y'know! Having Hollywood savvy can do that to you, my dears.

Master Blackwolf

The Pitch: Time Warner Presents the Earth Day Special 2

Welcome, Mortals, to the 40th Anniversary of Earth Day ---- and welcome, therefore, to your humble Dragonmaster's proposal for today's biggest A-list celebrities to assemble on Stage 28 at Warner Bros. Studios in Burbank, California, for a little something I like to call --- Time Warner Presents the Earth Day Special 2!

In April 1990, Warner Bros. Television joined forces with Beacon Communications, Richard Baskin Productions, the SUM Entertainment Group and the People of the Earth Foundation to bring over 100 celebrities together for the original Time Warner Presents the Earth Day Special. Combining musical, comedic, dramatic and informational segments, the 2-hour television event was among the few landmark programs of its kind to air in prime time. Now, some 18 years later, in a bitter ironic twist, today's so-called big stars are far too busy to lend their collective talents to a NEW Earth Day Special --- and as far as your Dragonmaster is concerned, that's a serious no-no!

The new special would bring even more collective starpower together --- and, as an added surprise, a little bit of whimsy would be thrown into the mix as well. Centerpiece of the storyline would be a character called Xinnia, Queen of the Pixies, whose magical kingdom would be threatened because Mankind is not being responsible in terms of defending Earth's resources responsibly. So, making a last desperate bid to save her people, Queen Xinnia decides to journey to the one place where Magic has been to happen among the Humans dwelling on the Planet: Los Angeles, California.

The A-listers who would be part of the story would help lend their talents to aiding Queen Xinnia in her bid to rescue her people and save the Earth as well. Here are some of the superstars whom I have in mind for such a project:

Some of the major participants in the first Earth Day Special --- notably, Dan Aykroyd; Kevin Costner; Meryl Streep; Morgan Freeman; Chevy Chase; Quincy Jones; Candice Bergen; Jim Henson's Muppets; Barbra Streisand; Michael Douglas; Jane Fonda; a few of today's current superstars, among them Bruce Campbell; Ryan Seacrest; Jennifer Love Hewitt; and cast members from today's hot shows: Lost; Tyler Perry's House of Payne; Smallville; Dancing with the Stars; the Law & Order and CSI franchises; The Daily Show w/Jon Stewart and, obviously, SNL, Late Night w/Conan O'Brien and Jimmy Kimmel Live. And no doubt, Bette Midler and Robin Williams would have to be there, too, reprising their respective roles as Mother Earth herself (Midler) and her now duly-appointed representative, Everyman (Williams).

Why an Earth Day Special 2? Why now? Ever since Al Gore's Inconvenient Truth movie, more and more people have been asking what I believe to be the right questions about the state of our Planet. Unfortunately, we're still not getting the right answers, not even from our rotten excuses for Presidential nominees. Our last hope, then, must be to get every celebrity we can get --- implore them into doing the show for free, if need be --- to get off their bloomin' cans and recycle as well as do the right thing and do this show. 'Nuff said.

Well, I'm getting long in the tooth here about this, so if you'd like to make more suggestions to my Time Warner Presents the Earth Day Special 2 idea, gimme an e-mail at either electric_pirates@hotmail.com or blackbeardian@yahoo.com.

Master Blackwolf