An Open Letter to Finntroll

Dear B.Dominator, Tundra, Skrymer, Trollhorn, Routa and Wilska:

By the time this missive reaches you, dear Finntrollers, you will be already well and truly on your way back to Germany, where, as I've been telling most of my friends, you'll be spending the balance of your Spring tour. Yet I would be quite remiss were I not to take the unprecedented step of saying thank you for showing up in the United States.

Now, I don't know how you lads would react to a Wizard such as meself (as I begged ye before in thy guestbook, please don't bash me head in!); but I imagine you have quite the agenda --- for a bunch of trollcentric heavy metal/polka music-makers. The reason I scribble these words here in my Diary of Magecraft is because I sense that a good many folks out there would just say "Who the bleep is Finntroll?" I hope, having alerted my many friends to your website, that they now are properly aware of the answer to that question.

Now, being a Mage, I want you goodly gentles to be aware, first and foremost, that you've nothing to fear from me. I have no intention of transforming any of you into stone. Gandalf made that mistake in The Hobbit, and the twit didn't even bother to apologize! Really!

Regardless, I shall, unfortunately, not be able to join you at B.B. King's on Sunday evening; I do, however, wish you all the best of luck --- and, if it's all the same to you, lads, please try not to eat the people. New Yorkers, I have heard it said, have a history of leaving one with a slight degree of indigestion. I know, 'tis hard to believe, words such as these coming from the mouth of one who is hopelessly devoted to, among other foods, pastrami sandwhiches, pizza and lasagna --- but hey, this, my dear Finntroll, is what we Wizards call chutzpah! And, eh, when one possesses chutzpah the way I do, well --- you know that something unusual has to happen!

And on that note, best wishes, Finntroll. I look forward to hearing from ye lot soon, if not, at the very least, getting some sort of skull or some such in the mail, et al. Ah, me.

Fearlessly yours,

Master Blackwolf

How to Annoy a Dragonmaster

Oooh, I knew I was going to be annoyed when they made the announcement, but frankly, I wasn't counting on being THIS annoyed!!!!

And what, I sense you Mortals asking, could incur the displeasure of Blackwolf the Dragonmaster to such stratospheric heights?

Well, here are the tales, straight from E! Online itself.

Jon Stewart, that fiend from The Daily Show whose dratted America: The Book stole the 2005 Grammy for Best Comedy Album from Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, and, by extension, yours truly, has been chosen to host the 78th Annual Academy Awards, to air live on ABC from the Kodak Theatre in Hollywood on Sunday night, March 5th!

"As a performer, I'm truly honored to be hosting the show --- although, as an avid watcher of the Oscars, I can't help but be a little disappointed with the choice. It appears to be another sad attempt to smoke out Billy Crystal," said the twerp who did host the Grammys in 2001 and 2002. Billy, alas, had hid own schedule to worry about --- which drives your Dragonmaster up the wall!

Oh, and that is so not all! Even worse, the force of cool that forces frown after frown 'pon me Wizardly face --- which is to say, that ultra-icky-poo Ryan Seacrest --- is going to join the E! News crew as well, having been given the responsibilities of lead anchorman/managing editor, as well as Executive Producer and Host of E!'s Live from the Red Carpet family of specials, beginning with the upcoming 63rd Annual Golden Globe Awards, to air live from the Beverly Hilton on NBC, Monday, January 16th. On the dick clark productions/Hollywood Foreign Press Association show, Sir Anthony Hopkins will nab the Cecil B. DeMille Lifetime Achievement Award, among other things.

And all this while still hosting that @*&!#%$ American Idol; and keeping L.A.'s morning commuters happy on KIIS-FM and hosting his other radio thing, American Top 40!

Well, congratulations, both of you! You have both successfully rubbed me nose into the ground with your exciting cool power; frankly, I begin to wonder how much longer I shall be able to milk me proverbial 15 minutes 'thout exploding into my usual Mage rage! Well, when I present to you folks my in-depth, blow-by-blow, segment-by-segment analysis of the live Oscar telecast, oh, will me Wizardly sparks fly! As for the January 31st nominations, they will be posted in full --- and I do mean FULL! --- detail here in the Diary of Magecraft. No excerpts, no selected nominees --- absolutely EVERYBODY!

You see, Mortals, as a film buff, I do care about the so-called "technical awards" --- and, believe me, I get quite annoyed when the daily papers don't tell you who did what and what companies, if any, were responsible. Like Milord Oberon (Gene Landry), the Oscars matter to me; needless to say, this is one Dragonmaster who's gonna be totally committed to being all over Hollywood's biggest night!