Monday Morning Rant: The Case Against Music, 2006
I have no choice, then, but to conclude that our last great musical hope may very likely be in the form of five unlikely freaks from Santa Claus' favorite city, Rovaniemi, Finnish Lapland. I refer, of course, to your Dragonmaster's Official Rock Band --- Lordi! Why Lordi? Because, thanks to their maniacal hit single Hard Rock Hallelujah, which they unleashed upon an unsuspecting world during last year's Eurovision Song Contest at Athens, Lordi taught us that if you can wreak havoc upon a musical generation and make the best available noise about it, you can damn well do anything!
Lordi and his fellow fiends have since spawned a new hit single, Who's Your Daddy?, and now, as I have reminded my loyal fans on our parent Dark Chambers website, Team Lordi will spending their Halloween Night in London, at the Forum. While I wish the fearless freaks of Lordi all the best, I must also again state that they are now all we musically have left in the waning weeks of 2006. Pop music is dead --- and the iPod and downloading per se have killed it! Terrestrial music radio is also dead, murdered by the likes of both XM and Sirius Satellite Radio! We are, put simply, Generation iPod --- and now Lordi is all we have left to help return to a groove severely tarnished by such musical fools as Clay Aiken, Ruben Studdard and Carrie Underwood! Only Mick and the boys still remain as ancient Knights determined not to go gentle into that good night; but who knows how much time is left on their side?
And pray, get me not started 'pon icky-poo Ryan Seacrest, with his own manical takeover of that longtime radio staple, American Top 40, that which of yore was ruled by that wise old sage Casey Kasem --- who of late has had to return his old stomping grounds --- Hanna-Barbera's Scooby-Doo --- just to get around! Aargh!
Bottom line, Mortals: music 2006 is dead, and the iPod killed it. I can't put it any plainer than that. Shouldst thou wish to disagree wi' me, you know what you need to do --- gimme an e-mail at either firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.