Some Grumpy Old Mage Thoughts on a Snoozefest Hot Weekend
Calling Lindsay Lohan a "spoiled child," a Hollywood honcho spanked the slacker starlet in a scathing latter for repeatedly calling in sick on the set of her upcoming movie, "Georgia Rule."
Ripping Lohan's recent behavior as "discourteous, irresponsible and unprofessional," Morgan Creek Pictures Founder/CEO/Producer-Presenter James G. Robinson said that he will no longer accept Lohan's "bogus excuses."
"You and your representatives have told us that your various late arrivals and absences from the set have been the result of illness; today, in fact, we were told that it was due to 'heat exhaustion,' " Robinson wrote in Wednesday's letter, obtained yesterday by TheSmokingGun.com. "We are all well aware that your ongoing all-night heavy partying is the real reason for your so-called 'exhaustion.' "
"You have acted like a spoiled child," Robinson then wrote, "and in so doing, you have alienated many of your co-workers and endangered the quality of this picture. Moreover, your actions have resulted in hundreds of thousands of dollars in damage. We will not tolerate these actions any further."
Oh, boo bloomin' hoo! I hate to have to be a shithead here, but last time I checked, Morgan Creek Pictures had not had a a decent hit movie since bloomin' Prince of Thieves! And, er, oh yeah, Morgan Creek's movies have been so critically lambasted since then that I could have smelt Mr. Hypocrisy coming down the block from the get-go, say I!
This, dearies, is why you never see one such as ol' Blackwolf hanging out with the stars: I'm far too sensible a Wizard to indulge in such horrifying mad things as all-night partying. My point, James dear, is that maybe Lindsay Lohan was probably the shakeup your silly little Santa Monica-based operation needed; had you not whined thus, your company would have been under the radar indefinitely! Really, you Hollywood types have this annoying knack for filing complaint after complaint with every teen superstar who doesn't actually give a bloody rat's butt about 'professional behavior.' To these young halfwits, 'professional behavior' is for dinosaurs. Fortunately, I'm more professional as a performer than any two such teen idols you can name. This is why your Dragonmaster continues to battle the ever powerful and determined-to-rule-the-world Ryan Seacrest to save the forces of coolness from an eternity of damnation.
Luckily, I have one or two recent allies in the form of Captain Jack Sparrow and friends. Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men's Chest continues to rock everyone's world; be not surprised, goodly gentles, if it stays #1 a fourth straight week --- and sticks out its tongue at everybody else!
As always, America, I wanna hear what you think. Gimme an e-mail at either firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com.