Thinking again about King Bartholomew

Well, the other night, as I was pondering the long-term outcome of this impending subway crisis, my thoughts again turned to the goodly gentles of Merry Lane Press, specifically, their delightful adventure, King Bartholomew and the Jester's Riddle --- with which I have obviously fallen in love! So much so, in fact, that I am seriously looking ahead to a King Bartholomew movie! Yes, I said a King Bartholomew movie!

As I ponder that possibility, I want to use this particular posting to say that there is only one person worthy of taking on the role of King Bartholomew in a King Bartholomew movie: Deep Roy.

Ever since Tim Burton decided to take the unprecedented step of casting the Deepster as all of those gloriously ultra-cool Oompa-Loompas in his revision of Roald Dahl's Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, now out on DVD, your Dragonmaster has discovered there is a degree of coolness no Mortal has dared explore until now. It is called Dwarven cool.

How came ye by this concept, Master Blackwolf? I hear ye asking. Well, to answer that burning question, we must journey through time in the realms of popular culture a skosh or two. Know, then, that for much of the 50s, 60s and 70s, one name and only one name was synonymous with Dwarven cool: Billy Barty. When he founded Little People of America, Inc. and its sister organization, the Billy Barty Foundation, this icon of short heroes did everything he could to better their status not merely as individuals, but as, quite simply, human beings.

Since then, other actors of the three- or four-foot-tall persuasion have tried modestly to follow in Billy Barty's footsteps: Phil Fondacaro; Tony Cox; Jack Purvis; David Rappaport --- and of course, R2D2 himself, Kenny Baker. But thus far, only one actor has stood, if you will, as the epitome of Dwarven cool for much of the 80s and 90s: Warwick Davis. Wicket, Willow, the Leprechaun (the nasty, foul-mouthed one), Professor Flitwick --- how can you dare ignore the power Warwick has wielded as a Dwarf superstar?

Now, besides Deep Roy, one other Dwarf actor, Kiran Shah, is taking his own place in the annals of the coolest Dwarf actors of all time, thanks to his role as the White Witch's badass lackey, Ginarrbrik, in Disney/Walden's The Chronicles of Narnia. Check out Ginny's totally execllent long beard, dudes! This little fella may be one of the bad guys, but man, can he kick ass or what? (Oh, did I mention Kiran also writes poems, too? Click here to view one he wrote when he was working on Lord of the Rings, a little number called "Men Must Kill and Die.")

So why, then, have I chosen Deep Roy for the role of King Bartholomew in a King Bartholomew movie? Because he's got the frown that says to you, Listen, lady, I ain't singin' "hi ho" for you! But since this is a children's story we are talking about here, it would be a rare departure to actually see Deep Roy smile. And besides, I'm busy trying to come up with someone to portray King Bartholomew's faithful Court Jester (and please don't ask me to explain why it has to be a woman Court Jester; that's for the originator of the tale, Pino Mastromonico, to tell you). Someone who's not a star, preferably.

So, have ye any ideas that might be helpful to this particular conundrum? E-mail me, with thy suggestions: blackbeardian@yahoo.com.

In the meantime, know you this, Mortals: Deep Roy and Kiran Shah are THE MEN!!! ('Nuff said.)

Master Blackwolf