Blackwolf @ the Oscars, Part Four

Next on the Kodak Theatre stage was Annie Rossen, who introduced the returning Beyonce (Beyonce, again? Come onnnnnnnnn!!!), who sang the next Original Song nominee, Learn to be Lonely, from Andrew Lloyd Webber's The Phantom of the Opera --- with Lord Lloyd Webber himself taking the piano; and veteran composer-conductor Bill Conti leading Oscar's orchestra for a record 17th time (NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!).

Here now was the point in the telecast where things were about to implode upon themselves. It all started when Chris Rock introduced "comedy superstar Jeremy Irons." Suave, sophisticated Jeremy --- a comedy superstar? OK, I can understand some of you Mortals for hating Jeremy for doing Dungeons & Dragons: The Movie, but other than his role as Scar from The Lion King, I have yet to see Jeremy lay one or two one-liners 'pon us! Anyway, when Jeremy presented the Oscar for Live-Action Short to writer-director Andrea Arnold for her film Wasp, she responded thusly: "I'm not really used to this kind of thing. I'd like to thank everyone who worked on the film; the beers are on me when we get home. In English, we'd say --- I'd say --- that this is the dog's bollocks!" For those who were wondering, Wasp follows the adventures of 23-year-old Zoe, and her chance meeting with an old flame, offering the mother of four a temporary respite from her boring, miserable life.

Laura Linney was the next presenter; she was assigned to Best Animated Short, giving the award to director Chris Lambert, for the inspiring true animated story, as it were, of Ryan. Ryan is Ryan Larkin, one of the most influential figures in the history of Canadian animation. Having wasted his subsequent years on cocaine and alcohol abuse, Larkin now lives on Montreal's version of skid row, and this dramatic toon tells his tragic story. In addition to thanking the film's hero, director Landreth saluted the Academy for "continuing to support short filmmaking in all its forms. I cannot tell you how cool that is!"

Well, Chris lad, maybe you can't tell us how cool supporting short filmmaking is, but this much is certain: it still wasn't enough to save this show from getting stale. Kate Winslet (aka Rose DeWitt Bukater, the other half of the love story that IS James Cameron's TITANIC), presented Cinematography. Bob Richardson, upon receiving the award, dedicated it to his mom, "who has spent the last 45 days in the hospital." He even thanked "all the doctors and nurses that have cared for her, as well as all of her friends." (One of those rare occasions where you wanted to cry --- for all the right reasons.)

Penelope Cruz and Salma Hayek hosted the Sound portion of the show, starting with Sound Mixing and Re-recording --- this, for you technofiends out thither, is the Oscar that goes to the Production Sound Mixer and the Re-recording Mixers --- in this case, Greg Orloff, Steve Cantamessa, Scott Millan and Bob Beemer for Ray. Scott found it impossible to express how lucky he and his team were to work on the Ray Charles saga; yet considered the team lucky that Taylor Hackford, the film's producer-director, was able to exercise that creative freedom. Yeah, sure. Next came Sound Editing --- and leave it to venerable sound mixing and editing legend Randy Thom, C.A.S.; M.P.S.E., to set the record straight for all us sound-loving wannabes:

"Certain Academy Awards like Sound, Visual Effects, and Film Editing are sometimes referred to as technical awards. They're not technical awards," Randy explained. "They're given for artistic decisions --- and sometimes we make [those decisions] better than other, and I guess we made a couple of good ones on this one." Randy and his partner Michael Silvers got theirs for making their artistic decisions for The Incredibles. Still, the TV critics, I would wager ye, would rather rant about 'technical awards' than they would about 'artistic decisions'. Juicier newsprint, you see. Salma was then left alone on stage to introduce Antonio Banderas and Carlos Santana as they performed the eventual winner of the Best Original Song Oscar ---- the first-ever song to be written specifically in the Spanish language, to be more precise: Jorge Drexler's Al Otro Lado del Rio (The Other Side of the River), from The Motorcycle Diaries. Again, alas, for the second time in the telecast, no English subtitles were provided for the benefit of non-Spanish speaking viewers (Louis, you need to really work on this!).

The next award to be presented was Documentary Short, and Natalie Portman did the honors by giving the award to Mighty Times: The Children's March the story of "how the young people of Birmingham, Alabama, braved fire hoses and police dogs to help end the segregation era of 1963." Robert Hudson and Bobby Houston from Tell the Truth Pictures, Inc., accepted the Oscar for this, the 5th consecutive Academy Award nominee to be produced for the nonprofit Southern Poverty Law Center.

"I've been sitting in my bathtub since I was 8 years old, practicing this Oscar speech," Hudson told the audience. "And it never quite stayed the same. Bob and I live and work together. If you're watching us on TV, don't try this at home. He directs, I produce." Waitaminnit, lemme get this straight: this guy sat in a tub practicing an Oscar speech while washing himself when he was an 8-year-old? Oooooh, kinky! Gil must've been thinking: get those guys off, Louis, and get Travolta in here, quick! So Louis got Travolta in there, and had the former disco king introduce Best Original Score, giving that Oscar to Jan A.P. Kazmarek for his less than thrilling suite from Finding Neverland. Jan's remarks were so mundane, unfortunately, that I don't know if I can quote them hither.

Anyway, it looks like I'm gonna hafta put a fifth episode of me observations hither. A Dragonmaster's work is never done, say I!